When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
