yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
