god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
