Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize