I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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