im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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