I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
