ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
