She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
