so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
