Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
