I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
