I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
