There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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