please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
