Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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