Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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