im having a threesome with these popsicles
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My penis needs a shock collar
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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