the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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