My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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