I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
