i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
