The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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