um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize