I just made out with a guy for $7.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
