But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
