life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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