He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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