never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
