People in love make me want to vomit
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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