I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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