My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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