Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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