Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
