when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
