my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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