I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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