for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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