Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dude. I can hear the air.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
