im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
