then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
