I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
