mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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