I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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