Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
