I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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