Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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