I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
