does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
