I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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