we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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