I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
