You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
