sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize