omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
