I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
