my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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