im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
