Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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