i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My feet surprised me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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