dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
