i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
